New Beginning

Like a young calf in the wild, I am once again new, I start my new job tomorrow, with trepidation and excitement I will venture into something new, for the first couple days I expect to sharpen pencils and hope that the lions don’t get me. What’s crappy, and I am dreading is learning all the new systems, new people, new dynamics and have to study up on the internal political structure that every CC, INC & PTY LTD has...YAY, its gonna SUCK ASS. But I am looking forward to the new structure and ventures that I will be delving head first into, I am craving change!!

With all that’s going down right now, arranging the funeral with my Gran, dealing with all fam dam, that has come into town for the funeral, its all kinda crazy, like loco crazy. To be honest, I feel nothing about starting; normally you get the jitters, although lately life has been put into perspective through some heavy scenarios. I have made a conscious decision to tell the truth about all things me, and how I feel. I just have stopped caring about what other people think, in a good way, I am not going to "let myself go" or start mumbling to myself, scaring little kids or dressing up like a tranny on crack. I am just going to be more myself, and stop trying to please all and sundry for the sake of being nice.

On another front, GF and I had a cool intervention this w/end, it all started when I met some friends who had come back from the UK, we had some drinks and we all decided to go out, I phoned GF and told her I would pick her up in 30 min, well I took about 45 mins, she went fucking off the wall at me. We had an almighty fight, where she bought up all my previous misdemeanours. I had enough, stormed out, stormed back in, shouted, stormed out, stormed in, fought, made peace and then went out. FUCKED UP!!

We eventually got mature had a grown up conversation about our feelings and what was the matter, we faced our problems face on, with no emotions. It was bizarre to have conversations about all the crap stuff in a relationship, and it all sounded positive. It was like having a really expensive therapist in the room, I was super impressed with GF, and I realised why I fell in love with her in the first place. A nice surprise!!! We realised the whole time, that we were fighting for the same cause, and the whole time we were on the same page! Stupid and cool huh!

So now, I start new job tomorrow and bury Gran the next day, fucked up!

S.

Half Full
Feelings are not supposed to be logical. It is dangerouse trying to rationalize one's emotions. Since the death of my Gran, and GF and I languishing on the rocks, things have been tough to say the least! I cannot make myself feel something as I do not feel, I am numb, but I can make myself do the right thing for others despite how I feel.

Like a cold Yorkie pudding (ta Pea's), I just want to be left alone, be with my own emotions and thoughts. I dont want to explain to everyone that my Grans passing was a blessing (it was), thats she led a good life (she did), although she suffered (from old age), I am sad that she is not here, but I just want to be left alone, not have to explain, not have to fake a smile. But being a guy, I have to be there for everyone else, I will do the right thing, for now.

I will wait until this feeling passes.

This is not a cool feeling, but I suppose it makes us who we are. A bit introspective and dark these days...the sun will come out.

I start my new job on the 1st April, thats kinda cool and scary.

S.

C'est la Vie!

Human life consists in mutual service. No grief, pain, misfortune, or "broken heart," is excuse for cutting off one's life while any power of service remains. But when all usefulness is over, when one is assured of an unavoidable and imminent death, it is the simplest of human rights to choose a quick and easy death in place of a slow and horrible one.

I am sad as hell, walking in a cloud of smog, my Gran died this morning and my relationship is on the rocks. Life is rarely as we would like it to be rather it is exactly as it is. Today, I will remember my Gran. She was (hell its crap to use that term), a feisty old Gran, who cut to the bone when she spoke and was fiercely independent. She didn’t skirt around an issue and said it as it should be, shockily at time, hell I digged that.

I was with her on Easter Saturday and Monday, she was semi-lucid and skeletal thin, but still defiant as an arrogant king on the brink of losing his kingdom. She had no excuses, she had no regrets (that I knew of...), she wanted to go, she wanted to stop lying in bed, and she wanted to walk again. I hope she is happy, I loved her, I am glad I told her so before I left on Monday.

Birth, life, and death -- each takes a place on the hidden side of a leaf.

Rest in peace Gran, you will be missed.

S.

Easter

Have a cool Easter, DBN is going to be swamped by tourists, the retailers are going to love it!

I grew up on the South Coast of KZN, in the small town of Ramsgate, back in those "old days", it was the epi-centre of the JHB express of tourits, I remember being a little Grom (young surfer), and walked passed two old dudes wearing G-String speedometres. I shat myself and ever since, the memory has been seared into my salty brain. I hope to all that is merciful I dont see one on Durbans or Umhlanga's beaches this long w/end.

May all the rock spider wear baggies/boardshorts and keep the banana hammocks for funky JHB sex parties.

Adios,
S.

Boredom is painful, I am itchy to leave and move on...

I have been put out to pasture this last month, and have revelled in the lack of responsibility!! The problem with this (lack of responsibility & work) is the boredom, jeez I hate it! I think that the only difference between man and monkeys is that monkeys are merely bored, while man has boredom plus imagination, the imagination of man is the killer. I imagine that with my time I could be spending my time on a deserted beach reading great book, or just nothing at all...I just do not want to be bored at the office, where you have to act busy, be polite etc...

So I start my new job in less than 6 working days, nervously excited is the term that I have been replying to everybody that has been asking me about my feelings towards starting my new job. Thus after handing over pretty much everything 2 weeks ago, people have left me alone...woo hoo, let me list my "working day":

1) Log in computer, check all blogs. (30 min)
2) Reply to all email (30 min)
3) Make coffee (10 min)
4) Check Facebook, news on what mates are doing, etc. (30 min)
5) Log on and play some FB poker, I was killing it yesterday! (30 min - 1 hour depending on if I am winning)
6)Go out for a 2-hour lunch/do chores/shit on kitchen guy (2 hours or more)
7)Browse web (indefinite time)
8)Talk office politics (indefinite time)
9)Ask people if I can help them with something, but I suspect that they do as little work normally...I suspect I had been doing far too work prior to 2 weeks ago!!

In essence I am freaking BORED, I wish that I could just leave work and have the last 2 weeks off, to just sleep in and chill before I start my job. Cause as we all know, when you start a new job, you have to act all MR KEEN & MR NICE GUY & MR I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I AM DOING (SO I SMILE AND PRETEND). That’s all very draining, thus the need to have a break, do what I want, and get re-charged for the newness of the new job.

SIGH...life aint perfect, so we chug along, being bored is as draining as being super busy, you are still as knackered when you get home at night.

Ellen Par says that "the cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity", I cant wait to get out of my current job, as I have lost all curiosity for it, and super keen for the new one, well because its new, and will learn so much (cant wait)!

Get Away

Streepies the pet Zebra digged white bread, she wasnt concerned about the carb intake!

Getting away re-charges your batteries and lets a little perspective into your life! The trick is in what one emphasizes. We either make ourselves miserable, or we make ourselves happy. The amount of work is the same. So its good to get away and let the world stop for a while.

GF, and myself joined another couple for a weekend away at a private game farm, shit sakes it was super luxury, first class all the way! Maids, air-con, quad bikes, game drives and food food food, oh glorious food! I reckon I put on 3 kg's this w/end, fantastic!!

We drank, played 30 seconds, which caused a hilarious fight between the other couple:

Boyfriend: What’s the opposite of North

Girlfriend: West? East? West? Help me for Fucks sakes!!!

Boyfriend: OMG, what the hell is the opposite of North, you dummy

[This scene carries on for a while with them arguing how stupid they both are]

Girlfriend: FUCK YOU (grabs boyfriends balls)

Boyfriend: Freaks sticks his fingers in his beer and flicks some beer on her.

(I am wetting my pants laughing so hard, good to see that other couples go nuts too)?

MELTDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They both storm off, screaming, they make up and all is happy. 30 Seconds is dangerous.

The coolest thing was the animals on this farm were so tame; we had Nyala, Kudu, and Zebra eating the the garden's grass whilst we were eating breakfast. Saw Giraffe, Warthog, etc 10 meters from the quad bikes. AMAZING.


Po the peacock, and a wild baby waterbuck, in the front yard, insane!

I feel super good, I forgot how relaxing doing nothing but looking can be. Was nice to get out of the new house, stresses of the kitchen not being done. When we drove back, I could feel the closer we got, the more tension wound up my spine.

Only 2 weeks to go before my new job can’t wait. I hate, sitting and waiting at my present one.

Adios, have a great week - cant wait till Easter Week End.

S.

Passport Hack

I drive a taxi, and I can do whatever the fuck I want! So smile...whitey.

My passport expired (I only found this out on a disastrous expedition to Mozambique, where the whole party had to return state side, because I am a monkey), so I had to get a new one.

The process is one of controlled madness, the following happened:

1) Evade the taxi drivers in the road, on the pavement, in way of the entrance. These people really piss me off they are as arrogant as ever, nobody can be so amusingly arrogant as a young taxi driver who thinks that they are bullet proof, accident proof and literally a law unto their own. When you climb out of your car (in the road), ask them to move (they had parked across the entrance), this teenage driver looks at you with dead eyes, clicks his tongue and tells me to "fuck off whitey". I am fully aware that these guys are working; we all need to make a buck, but be considerate. I wish my Polo was equipped with bull bars to ram this prick, I did try (mount the curb to get into the gates), although my bumper got dinged, I was fuming fucking mad!!!

Anyhoo, I laughed off this, TIA (this is Africa - watch Blood Diamonds).

2) I get into the parking lot, and get approached by two Indian guys, who offer me fake passports. Dude, I can get a real one, No, No, they say, Australian passports. WTF!!!!! You can buy an Australian passport, they change the pic and WHAM-O you can legally shag a sheep! The thought crossed my mind, although laughed and walked off. I love the Indian culture in DBN, its so diverse, Indians are traders extraordinaire, they more connected than an old MS DOS computer. The guys I met this day, have lower morals than Sodom & his brother/sister (not sure) Gomorra, and all the time have a smile on their dial, whilst selling some dude stolen passport outside Home Affairs, with a cop station right next door. I was not even angry, I was actually impressed.

3) Get into Home Affairs, saw the queue and walked right back out, I need to get here at first light to get first in line, to sort this passport issue out.

The process of getting in, and a stamp is hectic, I had to shake my head, and think of South Africa as whole. I love this country and its totally unique idiosyncrasies, like a lucky packet you never know what you going to get, this is what I love. Good or Bad, I dig this country, I just don’t want my family getting hurt, and this is what scares me. I hope I don’t get scared away.

I am looking forward to this w/end, heading out to a mates private game farm, they have a pet Zebra. Cant wait, I haven’t seen wild life in ages, it will make a nice change from the beach.

S.

It feels good

Little house on a South African hill

Allan K. Chalmers once said - The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for.

(Something to do) Well I have a sturdy profession, making teenagers think they are cool beyond words and help them get laid, and my sport of surfing that I dig (bru).

(Something to Love) I love GF very much, and through all the woes of the renovations, we have come through and are still together and I think have grown stronger, the house is something of an amazement to me, I am in complete denial at this stage that I own it. It is the coolest thing ever; it’s my first place with an outside, a pool and balcony! It feels like a palace...it so cool.

(Something to hope for) And finally I hope that I don’t get bored of this house feeling soon, I really want this feeling of accomplishment to last. It’s been so draining and heavy; to walk into the place and see it done (or 95% done) is crazy cool!

Why I want to cling to this feeling of loving the new place is because I move on very quickly, throughout my life, I have been very daring, and through success and failure I move on. Thus I don’t want to move on from my new house, I want to cherish the feeling of it, its not just bricks and mortar its accomplishment of work, studying and GF standing by me through all the fights.

This house is culmination of my persistence, dedication, hard work, and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s kinda full of pomp and rah rah, but it means a lot!

YAY!!

S.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all of the time (Bob Marley & Abraham Lincoln - But Bob made it famous in his song).

I am renovating my house, and have been for some time now; it has been one of the most stressful times for me personally and for my girl. It has almost broken us, although I can see the light, as the place is coming together so nicely (but hell shit costs a lot of money!!). BUT, we have a kitchen guy that is re-doing our kitchen and this mother-trucker, just does his own thing, arrives when he wants does an hour of work and then buggers off, you call...aaannnddd nothing, you leave a message aaannnddd nothing. I would love to throttle this guys with such force that his eye's pop out.

The thing is, in this our current economic boom (prior to load shedding, rate hikes, petrol hikes and electricity hikes [holy crap]), these contractors literally hold you to ransom, add a sucker like me to the picture and its like taking candy from a baby. This chippy prick, asked for money up-front, me the savvy savvy client said, "no way hose, I will pay you 80%", the dude took the cash did 30% of the job and has not come back, he has so much other work on, that I have been forgotten. The frustration of getting the guy in, just to finish is a JOB all in itself; it drains me, as I have to fight a guy who should be working for me. Where have all the old school ethics gone, contracts shaken on by hand, word is as strong as oak and all that shit.

I feel swindled by this untrustworthy ijit; I want to let everyone know about this chap. He is killing the fun and excitement of my little abode.

FUCKER!

We will soldier on, the rest of the place is smashing, I will post pics, even if no one reads, but for my own benefit.

Hope of finishing my kitchen is the worst of evils, for it prolongs the moment when I can walk in and see a complete house. Oh how I wish for that!

S.

Fastest Goldfish EVA!

Highly developed spirits often encounter resistance from mediocre minds, this coupled with our unique South African way of stereotyping certain cultures; in this case that people of colour cant swim. I say this because of a hilarious story my Dad's girlfriend told me:

Main Squeeze (MS = Dad's girlfriend) is a swimming coach, and a damn good one at that, she coaches junior swimming at a Gov School in KZN, that is representative of the SA cultural spread. The class that she take is split between two grades of swimmers (1) Goldfish - crap swimmers that drown in puddles (2) Dolphins - the future Ryk's of SA swimming.

So MS is calling out the Goldfish names to get into a squad, she calls out Xolni (a happy shiny kid), who pipes up:

Xolni: Miss MS, I am a Dolphin

MS: Xolni, you know you are not a Dolphin, get into the Goldfish group!

Xolni: But Miss MS, I am a Dolphin (pleading in confusion and hurt)

MS: Get into the Goldfish group now!

(REST OF KIDS): You are a goldfish, you are a goldfish....etc etc

A dejected and forlorn Xolni, skulks off to the Goldfish rejects utterly dejected and totally confused. It’s tough being a kid, when public ally told you are crap, and then verbally stoned by the rest of the rabble. It also sux when you think you are something and know in you heart that you are a Dolphin, but are told that you are a Goldfish...tough shit, you a Goldfish, piss off Goldfish!

The Dolphins swagger to their group and the session gets under way, OH SHIT (MS says in alarm)! Why the fright, Xolni is swimming the pants off the Goldfish, and the Dolphins alike. The Boy is a streamlined speeding torpedo, a nautical Bryan Habana!

MS calls a halt to the practice, calls Xolni out of the pool and says:

MS: Xolni, what are you doing?

Xolni: (confused) Swimming Miss MS?

MS: (Re-looking at her list, realising that he is a Dolphin - MS fucked up!)Xolni, I am terribly sorry, but you are a Dolphin. Repeat after me, Miss MS is a dom kop.

Xolni: (beaming) Thanks Miss MS, you are a dom kop!

MS: Xolni, don’t you ever talk to a teacher like that (clipping his head and smiling)!!

This kid must think that MS is one crazy ass white lady, I laughed, what a cool story. I hope that kid kills it at swimming teach us whitey's a thing or two about stereotyping.

Friday rocks, I am doing sweet nada this w/end, cant wait to chill...I need the break. Lets hope the house doesn’t haunt me...

My name is Patience

People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built. We all experience life's knocks to a degree at some point in our lives, although the powers that be are nice enough to space them out, so that we can deal with them, and survive.

That being said, the cosmos/guy up stairs/higher power is falling off his chair at me, I have had life’s little issues thrust on me like a teenager facing a positive pregnancy test.

My character built slowly over time, I believe is steadfast and true, I deal with reality and understand emotion, but it (my character & patience) can be torn down with incredible swiftness, when individuals tear the ring out of issues that are easily solved by understanding the current situation.

The reality of my situation is that GF and I are going through a terribly hard time with regards to the house renovations. She reacts violently (rightly so at times, I might add) to the builder’s slowness in getting the job done, and the project manager’s inefficiency to communicate. The point is that reacting is not going to solve anything, stressing the point and shitting on people to a degree to get the point across I agree with. The more I try and stress this point of positive firmness on our contractors (to get the job done), the more we fight and drift. I don’t want this, I want a house to enjoy, relax and love.

Love is a temporary insanity, hopefully cured by a finished house that we can enjoy.

SIGH!

(This too shall pass, he said whilst seething with anger...)

Comfortably Numb

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I cant explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ships smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I cant hear what youre sayin.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

(Pink Floyd: Comfortably Numb - Crazy warped music that makes sense at times - Amazing guitar pieces. The Pink Floyd stuff, is all very OTT, but you know sometimes its just good to hear some of that shit, their lyrics are amazing - OTT, but amazing!)

So after beating myself up about issues that are klapping me from all angles, I decided to take the proverbial bull by the horns and do something about it.

I picked up the phone and phoned some people that I had with work, its amazing what a bit of transparency and honest achieve. My mind is a little more at rest, and what will be will (whilst always keeping your eye on the prize - whatever the fuck that means - I heard some dude saying it at the beach this morning). On that beach note, a good dose of exercise, clears away the cobwebs, re-energizes the mind and gets things in perspective.

We (or I) get lost in the emotions that the world pushes onto you, my problem is that I care too much about doing the right thing. I cant just do something (take the bucks) and not care about the consequences and tell the consequences to go get bent. I am honest, I care, I want to be transparent...BUT (a big one), there are a whole heap of dirty pirates that don’t have these moral values, they just rip the ground from under you, tell you to grow up and push off. To all of you, the big wheel turns, it turns slowly but it turns.

So I have been listening to some Pink Floyd lately, such introspective stuff, its awesome, comfortably numb, that’s been my mood lately. I can feel the cloud lifting and the sun shining through, all these feeling are totally mental (brought on by my need for perfection), these feeling of feeling like poor shall pass. We cant be happy shiny all the time, if you are, you are over the edge craaazzeee.

WOW, enough of this... my new abode is going to be finished tomorrow, I will be a overgrown kid with his new house, with patio I might add, I can stomp around my little patch and do what I want. So cool, so exciting.

Shine on you crazy Diamond...

This is how I feel today:

Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

Now there's a look in your eyes, like black holes in the sky.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

You were caught on the crossfire of childhood and stardom,
blown on the steel breeze.

Come on you target for faraway laughter,
come on you stranger, you legend, you martyr, and shine!

You reached for the secret too soon, you cried for the moon.
Shine on you crazy diamond.
Threatened by shadows at night, and exposed in the light.
Shine on you crazy diamond.

Well you wore out your welcome with random precision,
rode on the steel breeze.

Come on you raver, you seer of visions,
come on you painter, you piper, you prisoner, and shine!

OK OK, I know its kind of non-descripted about what I feel, or why I feel, I just dont feel like talking today. Listen to the actual song by Pink Floyd, sets the mood just right for how I feel. Sometimes yuo just need to wallow, I will do this today.

S

I am A MONKEY!

So, I resigned from my current position, its a very liberating feeling, I have some leave owing to me, so I decided to take some leave. A mate of mine, is like a crazy ass monkey for going surfing in Mozambique, and to be honest so am I. So on the spur of the mo' we decided to leave Tuesday, hit up Mozam, and surf a good swell that was going to be cranking through there! We leave early on Tuesday morning drive the 4 1/2 hours in a delirious state of ecstasy, knowing that we were going to spend 2 days in blue waters, palm trees, crazy ass locals and perfect waves...DURING THE WEEK, WHEN I SHOULD BE WORKING! The feeling is so cool, taken random leave, and going surfing, try it, it rocks!

So we drive up, hit the border, I take out my passport, to get the formalities done, before our sneaky adventure starts. Like a Mike Tyson slug to the face the whole thing falls apart, much most DIY stuff I put together! Lets take a few steps back:

1. I take my passport to SA Border control.
2. They stamped ST's passport, they are about to stamp mine, the guy pauses, looks at me, shakes his head and utter the death knoll to my surf trip: "your passport has expired, you cant go through"
3. I plead, beg, try and bribe...nothing!
4. I go back to the car to find ST already waxing up his board; he is that amped to get into the water, I tell him, he almost (seriously) bursts into tears!!
5. We drive back, what a fuck up, what do you say to your mate, after you have driven for 4 hours, are so keen, and then that! AAGGGHH, life, the quote "God is in the details" comes to mind. Plan properly, enjoy, don’t be a dildo like me and rush.

On a better note, I decided to chill with GF then, we went and saw the movie "P.S. I LOVE YOU", I lost the ching chong cha, and movie-choosing ritual that we always go through and it was her choice. I must say that I was dreading the movie, but was so pleasantly surprised, the movie is a killer, I had tears coming out of my normally rock steady face. It was awesome to have a movie (although still a movie, with all the movie crap in it), show some real life, people you love die, people hurt like hell, you always don’t find someone new. I think the world is becoming more realistic, and liberal. I hope that we all come out OK from this life that we lead.

Adios Biaaatches!

S.